so what have i been doing with my life?

i had move to a different side of the world to start my grown up life

started my life as a masters student

found my first real full time job...

got my first real cheque book that i been paying stuff with

going to be a god mother in 5 months

been supporting germany for the world cup

drove my friend's porshe 911

got a blackberry and became veryyyy addicted

thats the quickest sum up i can think of! =P

JUNE 30th!!!

JUNE 30th!!!!

i am doing the interview for the job i dreamed about since foreverrrrrr!!!!

but now

its time to study for that interview

confuse as ever

I am confuse.

REAL CONFUSE.

Why?

I will tell you exactly why.

Unlike the normal family, my dad is always the sensitive one and my mom is always the logical one. I, of course, follow in my mom's footsteps to being more the logical type. (or so thats what I think)

My mom came back from driving Charlie to art lessons and she was sharing about this recent wedding she went to. She was sharing how she was touch by the groom's speech and how he doesn't know any Chinese but he used pinyin to write all his words... and how he cried during his thank you speech...

(hint: my mother is the type of person who doesn't get excited when there's a birth... cause she knows the baby will die! seriously these words came out from her mouth before!) and she is also the one that took 1 day off for her father's funeral. plainly spoken.. she is not the type to be TOUCH BY ANYTHING!

I was sitting there and I was kinda like.. uhh.. whats the big deal? a lot of CBC does it now. and its not like the groom is a white guy who speaks like NO CHINESE.

she starts going off about how she's been touch by what the guy did...

I just sat there with my eyes popping because my mother for 23 years in front of me... telling me she's been touch? that neverrr happens to my family. like NEVER! well probably from my dad.. but neverr with my mom.

My mom was the one that told me that big kids don't cry in public places. The one that told me that to succeed and not be patronize by men is to be stronger than them. and yet.. she's sitting there getting upset because i told her i wasn't touch and the reality that a lot of grooms do cry at their own weddings and write pinyin on their speech.

yahhh.. mothers are weird. she has been totally frying all the rules of life she ever taught me.

what am i suppose to do now? with an emotional father AND mother...

good thing i am leaving soon.. *sigh*

on vacation to visit hali-baba

I am moving back.

Moving back to the land that I was from. I might be back a lot sooner. I might not be for I am a free soul that no one takes charge of.

The moment I bought my plane ticket online, I felt that my life is going to change. For all I know is that the moment I step on the plane, my childhood/ innocent life is over. It will be welcome to adult life. The life that will endure full time work and a part time masters program. I am leaving my comfort zone. Some are saying why do you want to leave home? Home is too comfortable for me. I am not motivated to do anything right now. I know under my parent's eyes, I can never be me.

I had a very good conversation with a friend. The friend and I both agreed that talking about future scared the crap out of us. We have to take charge of our lives now.

Since as far as my memory can go back to, the ideology of university has been drilled into my head. "YOU MUST GO TO UNIVERSITY IF YOU WANT A FUTURE" I grew up listening to my parents stories about their university experience. For me, there was no way out. I knew I have to be one of them to embark on one of the last final stretch of my academia life.

But what truly goes after the door of acceptance? One of the reasons why I can say I enjoy university was because for once there was no expectations laid on me. I got into a good school and I manage good grades.

Now that the walk in the "university room" is over. Where am I suppose to go? My parents expectations and ideologies stopped the day I moved out of their house and moved into my first "own" place in university. Most dreams stops at the door. For 4+ years, its about soul searching and finding your own definition in life.

Now I must do my own map writing and find out what the next room of my life will be.

have i mention i been through a emotion upstream lately? 

being sick...

one thing i love being sick is that... 

i get to stay in bed all day long and watch tv and don't feel bad about it! :P 

but i do want to get better faster... so i can do more work... 

but honesty... i think i get sick when i am stress... so have i been stress lately? 

SUMMER TRIP 2010 PLANNED!

Since I have to be a kidult in a couple of weeks and I did my big grad trip last summer, I am planning my short grad trip 2010! 

April 22-May 1st- WEST COAST! HERE I COME! 

lent

some of you might not know what lent is... to sum it up.. lent is 45 days before easter... and you choose to give up something... 

i am going to give up shopping for clothes.. shoes... those kinda things... 

some of you might not know... it is a HUGE commitment for me.. consider i really do like to buy clothes a lot! 

so everyone... now until easter.. lilian is not shopping for any clothes!!!! please watch out for me.. and remind me! 

my mother's advice to problems arise while watching the olympics

Every 2 years, I have a little identity crisis. This problem arise whenever there's an olympic or winter olympic happening. 

I ask myself the same question year after year... "now Lilian... which country do you support?" 

The answer will depend on what sport, which olympic, what are the score.. many various factor. My emotion that day will also take a play in what side I cheer for. 

Do I cheer for Hong Kong? 

or Canada? 

or China? 

Winter Olympics tends to be easier because Hong Kong is not in it. China didn't actively participate in it until last Olympic. Canada was a good choice back then. Now that China is kicking butts... my 4 year problem had became a 2 year problem. 

But for a women's speed skating competition, China and Hong Kong were both in the same race. I had the toughest time to decide which side to cheer for. By the time I can decide on something, both sides got disqualify. 

Charlie and I discover a new problem. What if... China and Canada were playing in something together heads on. NOW... which side do we take part of. 

This can relate to as... identity crisis. I am sure many people who grew up in Canada will have the problem of... am i a Canadian? or am I a Chinese? 

My crisis only happens when I have to choose a side. 

So I decide to have a discussion with my mother about this. At the age of 22, I had a discussion with my mother about identity crisis. My mother's asked " when you are in foreign land "where's home for you?" What will you reply  "Canada" My mother thought the answer was good enough. She concluded that "I am just a Chinese Canadian... don't think too much" 

I eventually bought up how I am actually more Portuguese than Canadian because I am a part Portuguese. 

At the end, my mother got fed up with me and said. 

"Just watch the game. Don't pick a side because God doesn't choose favorites" 

i am not a good girlfriend and i am not a good bestfriend but i am a good friend... at least i think

I am not a good girlfriend. 

I say I am a good girlfriend by committing to come home at least once every 2 weeks. But seriously, I choose my good friends over him on his birthday. I slot out at least 1 time to see him on the weekends I am home. But for the last couple of times I seen him, its been in a group setting where we didn't really get to talk. 

I don't call and check up on him when he has a "guy's night out" I actually don't even call on a regular basis. 

I sometimes refuse to go to these hang out nights with his close friends because i simply don't enjoy being the only girl there. 

I enjoy watching basketball while he enjoys just staying in and drinking beer with his buddies. 

He goes out of his way to do things that I like but I refuse to do the same. 

I don't use affectionate words. The most affectionate words I think I ever use were "I miss you! =)" hence the happy face. 

So what does our relationship base on? 

texting. 

even now, i been so busy with school- we don't text every day. but texting is when he tells me about his day and i know what he is doing from a day to day basis. its my "way" of checking up on him. 

I am not a good bestfriend

It was one of my bestfriend's birthday party on Wednesday. She is seriously one of my longest and oldest friends. I think we known each other for 15+ years. 

I know everything about her. She knows everything about me. Pretty good eh? 

For at least 3 terms in school, we live a 25 minute walk or a 10 minute bus ride or 5 minute car ride away. 

I think I only visited her a total of 5 times. She hasn't visited me. LOL! thats a good reason because she doesn't really know my roommates but i know all her roommates pretty well. 

When people ask me, How is so and so doing? I am like... humm.. she's okay. I haven't seen her in 3 weeks? The person will reply... don't you two live like in the same city for school? 

We do... but we don't hang out together like we do in Toronto. Actually even in Toronto, we don't hang out that much. 

So what does our friendship base on? 

We communicate a lot when we are both having problems. Random- once in a blue moon msn. Actually I don't know how I know things about her and how she knows things about me.  

I think its those random bbtea night where we just sit there with our own laptops and drink. 

Sometimes I feel like the only reason why we are still close friends is because of the 15 year mark. Its hard to find someone that knows you for 15 years. I mean even with a new friend, its hard to update on her from elementary school until now. But I love her. She will always be one of my very bestest friends. 

I am a good friend. 

I think I am one. I do make time to see a lot of my friends. If you know me, I have many different groups of friends. I also have a lot of little 1 people groups that I know from the most random places. My good friend, Jenn, i met her at a dinner. She came with her ex-boyfriend. I was friends with him. He introduced us. We bonded. Became good friends. But both of us stopped talking to the guy. 

Until recently, I have never kept a day to day basis with anyone. EXCEPT for one. that is because we are both text addicts. 

But eventually, with different people, I been keeping my life day on a day to day basis with some people. 

Mind you, I don't even communicate with my parents weekly. 

It is a big step for me and  I am starting to not become as social awkward. I am starting to open up more and more to friends. 

This topic just been on my head for the past couple of days... just felt like I should share with you all. 

when i was 5

When I was 5... 

I envision that I will be 23- marry with a husband and a house- the whole package. 

Obviously- its not happening. As I get older, the 23 year old benchmark changes. The little girl's dream changes from dream to realistic goals. 

Till now. I am a dream killer and a person who is not really completing her own goals. 

There are times I dream that I can be like beautiful actresses in movies, just living the life. Instead, I will be the background person that walks by- like many in my past and will be in my future. 

But that dream is a dream that I don't want to have now. I think I quite enjoy being the bystander in a glamourous life. Simple life is the goal. I am quite happy and content with what I have and want. True there are times that I die to have that 600 dollar Alexander Wang dress. There are also times that 7000 dollar Chanel signature bag is calling me. But at the end, I am who I am. 

I will be happy with a 700 dollar burberry bag and a 60 dollar dress from Club Monaco. 

But anyway, it hit me like a train that i am a woman in her 20's. pushing to the mid 20's. Kinda crazy and weird. and BIZARRE. Cause when I was 14, I thought I will be dead by 16, 18, 20. I am still alive. Kinda weird eh? 

I am usually not mean. 

I am usually only mean at these situation: 

1. i am having a bad day

2. i am talking to someone that i can't stand

3. when i have to explain something over and over again 

those are pretty much the only times i get annoyed. i tend to only be mean to people when my annoyance starts growing. i can't really help it. 

there are some people that tend to trigger my annoyance every time i see them. i also believe that the people you hang around with... will become who you are. so for example.. if you and i used to be good friends.. but your roommate is someone annoying... you might pick up habits from them and become an annoying person too!! 

talking about getting mad.. lets talk about hate. 

I don't hate anyone. well.. i do. i hate 1 type of person. a type of person that thinks that likes to put down others to boost their egos. oh another type. the ones that goes off and tell the whole world about what i wrote about my blog. 

my blog is the only place i can say/write whatever i want without any restriction. i don't mind having a discussion about what i wrote here in real life.. but spreading it around and passing it around for others to see... will definitely put you on MY hit list. i treat my blog as my own room, where i can say whatever in whichever method i want. SO if you know i dont like you, maybe you shouldn't tell the whole world about what i write. now don't be an annoying person for me to hate and be mean to you. 

if you think i am hinting about someone again.. maybe i am this time. go back and tell the person like last time. but this time.. you wont be a fool because i really mean it. 

this is it. i made the decision. i am happy.